i was born a porn star she said
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
