i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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