I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
