It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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