The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
