Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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