I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
