Who wears a wallet chain?!
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
