I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
