My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
