The best revenge is premature balding
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
