The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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