When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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