I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
