You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
