I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
