What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
