Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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