youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
