I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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