Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
