sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
