He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Girls should come with a carfax report
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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