Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
