Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
