I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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