You're completely useless in the revolution.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
