Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
