That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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