I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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