I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
