Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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