White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He passed out mid-signature
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
