I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
NoShamevember. You game?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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