I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
