Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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