guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
