also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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