The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
