I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
