You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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