if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
