I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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