I cannot find my penis.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
