I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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