Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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