I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
