The maid of honor just puked.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Randomize
