You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
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