Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
